A Workbook for Inter-personal Skills
Authors
Jodie and Thomas Austin
Preface to The Workbook
This document serves as a comprehensive guide for couples seeking to enhance their marriage through spiritual and emotional intimacy, communication, and mutual respect. It emphasizes the importance of being equally yoked in faith and values, which is crucial for a harmonious relationship.
Key Biblical References
The document opens with references from the Bible, such as 2 Corinthians 12:1-4, which discusses visions and revelations, and Psalm 8:5-6, highlighting the glory and honor bestowed upon humanity. These verses set the spiritual foundation for the discussions on marriage and relationships.
Importance of Communication
Effective communication is portrayed as a cornerstone of a successful marriage. The authors emphasize the need for active listening, open dialogue, and the establishment of healthy boundaries to foster mutual respect and understanding. Couples are encouraged to express their emotional needs and to engage in honest discussions about their feelings and experiences.
Emotional and Spiritual Connection
The guide outlines the five attributes of human character—Emotional, Intellectual, Physical, Spiritual, and Sexual—that couples should nurture to maintain a healthy relationship. It stresses that spiritual intimacy with God enhances emotional intimacy between partners, leading to a fulfilling marital life. Couples are urged to engage in prayer and shared spiritual practices to strengthen their bond.
Handling Conflicts
Conflict resolution strategies are discussed, highlighting the need for couples to approach disagreements with a mindset of collaboration rather than confrontation. The document suggests using “I” statements to express feelings without blaming the partner, thus minimizing defensiveness and promoting a constructive dialogue.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
The authors stress the importance of setting healthy boundaries within the marriage to prevent co-dependency and to maintain individual identities. They advise couples to respect each other’s personal space and to communicate their needs clearly.
Building Intimacy
The guide provides practical tips for building intimacy, including scheduling regular date nights, engaging in shared activities, and practicing gratitude towards one another. It also highlights the significance of understanding each other’s love languages to enhance emotional connection.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the document encourages couples to continually seek growth in their relationship through prayer, communication, and mutual support. It emphasizes that a strong marriage is not merely about avoiding conflict but about intentionally nurturing the relationship through love and respect. This comprehensive approach to marriage counseling aims to equip couples with the tools necessary for a thriving partnership, grounded in faith and mutual understanding.
Introduction
This Is Where It Started
In the fall of 2020 Jodie and I were in a meeting with a few of our peers and in this meeting, there was one prophet who gave a word to us both that we were “Better Together”. We both knew that we needed to receive what the Lord has for us from this prophetic word so we each went to our separate prayer closets to pray and meditate over this word, that we are Better Together. After a week or two, Jodie and I came together to discuss what we had learned during our time of prayer and fasting, and each of us was given the same two words:
Couples Ministry
We felt nervous about this. We are two former introverts, (Jodie wrote: The book on Accounting. Thomas lived the Life for Dummies), trying to be obedient to the Word of God and His Holy Spirit. Having no formal training, only a platform for exchange of ideas that we have been practicing since the day we met. We began researching just what it was that we had to offer anyone else in a relationship. We have had substantial experience to draw from, both failures and success.
Disclaimer
The material contained herein has not been fact-checked for accuracy nor do we necessarily agree totally with all the information presented. We are by no means expert practitioners in these methods, nor are we accredited counselors. The purpose of this exercise is to encourage critical thinking in relation to your value system for continual nourishment to your soul as you journey through this sacred union called marriage.
We have both had previous marriages, divorces and we each have had the experience of parenting, in a marital partnership, and as a single parent.
We have been honeymooning together for eight years as of this writing. Together we have six adult children and five young grandchildren. The Lord has facilitated a wonderful blend for our new family.
The main aspect of our new relationship, in comparison to our previous relationships, has always been
a single topic for us, upon which we both agreed is the basic building block for relationships. Communication.
As the quote from the 1967 movie “Cool Hand Luke” describes, we fail, more often than not, in expressing ourselves honestly and forthrightly and do not always hear what exactly is being said.
That being said, we began the task of outlining the process that Jodie and I agreed that we have followed in our quest to; number one: not repeat the mistakes of our past, and number two: continue to learn about our relationship with God and with one another.
We have developed this model for communication from our life experience; our successes, our failures and our hope upon One ultimate authority in the person of Jesus Christ as he may express himself in our lives.
We have both had success in dating and marriage and we have both had failures in each. Above all our hope in Christ has been the driving factor in our relationship and developing this lay ministry which we have entitled Relationally Speaking.
Nuts and Bolts
As we began this mission, the Words of Moses rang with greater clarity in our ears! And, thus far, His word is true for us today. Everything we have included in this work has been Spirit led. Lord Spirit teaches us on a daily basis.
Exodus 4: 15 I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do.
So, at this point we were trying to think exactly what this ministry would look like on paper. Being the trained engineer that I am, I began to lay out an outline based on my conversations with Jodie from the day that we first met.
From our experiences we discussed the lack and desire quotient in the algorithm of marriage. We believe that there are many variables that are going to affect the outcome of the equation and that one can never in a lifetime begin to quantify the experiences. That is another reason why we need God. Arguably “lack and desire” are the chief motivators to our human condition and we use this as a guidepost for our behavior. Obviously, we cannot control all aspects of the algorithm as referenced above, however, we can have control over the drivers, lack and desire, that will eventually fill in the blanks in accordance with the will of our God.
Are you kidding? No one talks like this!
Okay. This discourse in math is the approach taking place inside my head. Gratefully, Jodie could understand and interpret what I was trying to say.
We have taken the approach that we as human beings basically have five attributes, or character traits, that are manifest in our behavior or behavioral patterns if you will. Emotional, Intellectual, Physical, Spiritual, and Sexual. These five attributes of our needy selves determine to a large degree the content of our souls. Or, at least how we present ourselves (our souls) to this world and consequently to what degree that we may know ourselves and to determine if we are “whole” as Jesus commanded us.
Mathew 5:48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect.
Some Things to Think About
An aspect of relational maturity is the ability to communicate at an equal level of understanding.
The five human attributes named herein (Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, Sexual and Intellectual) are easy to remember check points to facilitate open and honest communication between spouses and could also be a model for relationships in general.
Obviously, human experience is much more complex than the five points named. Each attribute has multi-faceted sub-points and overlapping dependencies.
The whole of this exercise in interpersonal relations are dependent upon, and require mutual understanding and acceptance, that at the center of this dynamic; GOD is the Ultimate Minister and Provider of courage, honor, strength and cohesion necessary for successful results from this exercise in manifest Love.
As we grow deeper in intimacy with HIM we increase our intimacy with one another.
Once I began to truly know myself and my relationship with God, I found I was better able to understand others and to become compassionate enough to become the hands and feet of our Lord.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-8
We Developed This Matrix
On paper, an easy spreadsheet form was all that I needed to develop this problem-solving matrix. The five-traits can be considered in whatever situation or issue that may arise. They are the constant in each matrix row. The columns are populated with issues and subjects that are being analyzed. Using a nominal rating scale gives priority to issues.
Using this method can make it relatively easy to identify problem areas in my psyche. I need to be rigorously honest in my responses without fear of consequences. That’s the difficult part to share with my spouse. This matrix aids in this approach. The healing process begins as soon as a problem area is identified. We have suggested methods to communicate during this process which can be helpful, especially if the matter has a high emotional impact. We also include techniques that may help to diffuse heated debate.
On the other hand, one hand was all I needed since I kept the attributes at five. One finger for each attribute. Easy to remember and easy to communicate that “we need to talk” sign.
We have found that our marriage, and spouse are not the only beneficiaries of this program. Familia and professional relationships can improve with conscious use of the communication and analysis tools that we have provided.
Jodie and I continue to practice what we preach. We have continually used this methodology that works for us and gives us a road map that we may be obedient to God’s word. Have we perfected this? No way. This is a dynamic process that God continues to use to purify our relationship and remove the dross.
Take away the dross from the silver, and there shall come forth a vessel for the finer. KJV Proverbs 25:4
Methodology and Mission
We are citing from our texts: the Holy Bible and recommend the book by Gary Thomas entitled: “A Lifelong Love”; in which he declares what it’s really like to be married in the Kingdom of God. Giving us “practical tools to craft our marriages into inspiring relationships that breathe spiritual life to others.”
To aid in this practicality and knowing that “what we have here is a failure to communicate”, we have compiled various methodology and composed this guide for Interpersonal Skills utilizing various referenced material.
The purpose of these exercises is to encourage critical thinking in relation to your value system for continual nourishment to your soul as we journey together through this sacred union called marriage. In these applications we have developed Relational Talking Points as examples to encourage one another to engage in meaningful, insightful and intimate conversation. As we look at this model of Relational Talking Points, the object is to enhance our intimacy with God and to one another that we can build a strong relationship and a stronger relationship with God.
As we acknowledge the Emotional, Intellectual, Physical, Spiritual, and Sexual response pertaining to each example, we want to quantify the Intensity, or Level of Discomfort that we experience in each of the five areas. In each of the five traits what we will be attempting to achieve is being able to discuss with one another if there is any dis-ease or lack within ourselves pertaining to each of these topics. Remembering to acknowledge God before during and after discussion; He is the Author and the Finisher, the Divine Counselor that must be acknowledged as the One true source of Love without which there could be no successful application of this simple process.
Isaiah 52: 1-2 …Rise up Daughter of Zion, free yourself from the chains on your neck, shake off your dust, clothe yourself with strength. Awake Awake
As the subtitle to Gary Thomas’ “A Lifelong Love”, Discovering How Intimacy with God Breaths Passion into Your Marriage, intimates, Relationally Speaking attempts to create intimacy with God and one another that we should be complete in Him.
For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power. …Col 2:9-10
This workbook is designed to emulate the journey that Jodie and I have been on as a couple for the past twelve years. These are the tools that we believe when utilized to the extent desired has facilitated continuation in our quest to become more intimate with God and with each other. We met each other later in life and both of us feel we have a lot of things to catch up on and we both feel and felt the need to streamline the relationship process as we have learned from our previous experiences. Now we see that with a Single Purpose Each of Us Can Be Twice as Much With Each Other.
Our goal is for this workbook to be a “stand alone” document that would require very little explanation. Divided into five or six sessions, the course book has questions interspersed throughout and at the end of each session there are exercises that you are asked to participate in, both individually, and with your partner. Each of you should begin this journey with the knowledge that you are all that you have control over. You cannot change anyone else. Focus on yourself. The Holy Spirit will disseminate your truth to others. Spouse included. Truth seekers must develop the capacity for truth and deeper discernment if one is to truly “know thyself”.
Some of the answers you might consider to some questions may seem obvious, but other questions have deeper insights and, hopefully, require soul searching in some instances. Being able to share intimate thoughts honestly with your partner is a task that sometimes can be daunting. This is the reason we start with the basics in a building block manner. The six sessions academically could be referred to as:
RS101 – Relational Skills
RS201 – Spiritual Truths
RS301 – Sacred Marriage
RS401 – State of Relationship
RS501 – Relationally Speaking
RS601 – Relationally Speaking Advanced
This is a process. When one session is mastered, then continue to the next session.
Final Thoughts…
The syllabus:
We open in Session 1 to examine our interpersonal skills and our boundaries…
Session 2 sets the groundwork that our partnership had to attain…
Session 3 Gary Thomas reiterates God’s blessing in His Word for the marriage union…
In Session 4 we begin to examine those aspects of ourselves that can hinder us from being more intimate with God and our partner.
The final sessions, 5 and/or 6, shows examples of talking points that begin conversation. At some point you should be able to list your own talking points, or issues that need to be discussed. Each of us have our own thoughts on these issues, and it is imperative that we are rigorously honest in completing these exercises. Then we are better able to communicate our thoughts to one another honestly and truthfully without fear of reprisal.
The examples we use are only meant as starting points in our conversation with each other. A conversation that perhaps we have never had as a couple before. As we endeavor to become more proficient in intimate communication with our partner and commit our purpose to God and our spouse, this methodology will be almost second nature as our communication skills increase. Some of you undoubtably have been able to communicate regularly as a matter of fact. Perhaps there are subjects heretofore that you haven’t been able to discuss openly and rationally. We believe the information contained herein will facilitate more intimate dialogue.
Using this approach, Jodie and I have been able to converse as adults using logic and reason in our daily discussions. If we have issue that may be complex or discomforting, we initiate the “hand sign” to let each other know it is time for God to help us work through the five-trait matrix.
Answer each workbook question personally and honestly without fear of consequences . When required, share with your partner when you are ready. There should be no pain as we journey through these exercises. If there is, that means there is an open wound that needs healing. That is what this is all about. To help us gain the skills necessary to bring, to the Great Physician, our worries, hurts and fears and then to Rejoice in His Unbelievable Love!
We know a Savior, Healer, and Deliverer. May Lord Jesus Bless Your work in this season!
In His Name we remain,
Jodie and Thomas Austin
Please Contact us for questions and more information.
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